


Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

by Cheriluvs10



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 02:24:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2092173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheriluvs10/pseuds/Cheriluvs10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>10/Rose *Humor* I am the Doctor. Join me and my companion Rose as we explore the most bizarre and unusual planets in the universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

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[Tenth Doctor](http://www.whofic.com/categories.php?catid=15)  
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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32359) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32359)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=1) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Prologue  
  
(Shot of the TARDIS spinning through the vortex. Cut to the console room. The room is dark except for the eerie green glow cast by the console. As the camera pans in to the console, the Doctor slowly raises his head above the console and fixes the camera with an intense stare.)  
  
DOCTOR: Good evening, brave adventurers, and welcome to my TARDIS. The most magnificent ship in the universe. I am the Doctor, and sitting behind me on the captain’s chair, is my faithful companion Rose Tyler.  
  
(Camera focuses in on Rose, who gives a bored little wave. Camera cuts back to the Doctor.)  
  
DOCTOR: You’ve been following my adventures through time and space and have seen countless planets along the way.  
  
(His eyes bulge out of his head.)  
  
DOCTOR: But there are some planets I haven't shown you yet. Planets that are so bizarre they must be seen to be believed.  
  
(He whips his right hand out from under the console, puts a torch under his chin, and turns it on.)  
  
DOCTOR: Planets so bizarre they defy description! Planets that few souls dare to venture to!  
  
ROSE: Doctor, why are you holding a torch under your chin when the light from the console makes you look creepy enough as it is?  
  
(The Doctor pauses for a moment with a deer in the headlights look, and then, keeping his eyes on the camera, he slowly lowers the torch and puts it back under the console.)  
  
DOCTOR: Anyway… As I was saying before Rose interrupted my little spiel…Journey with me then, brave visitors, to these planets of mystery and danger and bizarro-ness.  
  
ROSE: Doctor, that’s not even a word.  
  
(The Doctor gives her a long, hard stare before he whips his head back around and looks at the camera with his intense gaze. The camera pans in, as the Doctor’s eyes bulge out of his head)  
  
DOCTOR: Sample with me and Rose the weirdness of the cosmos. I dare you to…believe it…or not!  
  
(Rose’s head suddenly pops up beside the Doctor’s. Her eyes widen as she wiggles her fingers in the air.)  
  
ROSE: Whooooooo-eeeeeeee-ooooooooo!  
  
DOCTOR: Um…no, don’t do that.  
  
ROSE: But I’m just trying to help ya make it scarier for everyone.  
  
DOCTOR: No, really, just…don’t.  
  
(Rose sighs and ducks her head back under the console. The Doctor resumes his intense stare as Rose mumbles, “Can act like an arse all he wants to, but the moment I do it I get, Noooooo, you gotta behave and act your age, Rose. So sick of the bleedin’ double standards around here! What’s good for the goose outta be good for the bleedin’ gander!” The Doctor eyes her, as she flops down in the captain’s chair and says to her, “Got that out of your system now, Rose? Good!” before whipping his head back around.  
  
DOCTOR: Anyway, come with us now, as we visit our first of many bizarro planets and witness the adventure we had there. And, the first stop on our cornucopia of creepiness is Tiempo Five, a planet where the days are only 20 minutes long.  
  
(His eyes nearly pop from their sockets, as Rose rolls her eyes.)  
  
DOCTOR: 20-minute days! ISN’T THAT…BIZARRE? BELIEVE IT…OR NOT!  
  
ROSE (mumbles): I knew we shouldn’t have stopped off on Earth and gotten those big bags of chocolate and sweets for ‘im. He always get this way when he’s amped up on sugar.  
  
DOCTOR: 20 MINUTES! IT’S BIZARRE! OOOOOOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
ROSE: Oi! You just jumped down my throat when I did that a moment ago! How come you get to do it and I can’t?  
  
(The Doctor turns and gives her his patented, I am the super-smart Time Lord, and you are the not-quite-as-smart-as-me-but-more-than-makes-up-for-that-in-the-booty-department naïve little waif I let accompany me all those years ago who apparently still needs to be talked down to like a child, look and voice.)  
  
DOCTOR: Because, honey-bunnikins, I am the boss and I can do and say whatever I want. I keep telling you that so please remember it from now on, mmkay?  
  
(He turns his head back around.)  
  
DOCTOR: And now, I will start our journey into the bizarre, the unexpected, the…Rose, why are you growling like a bear? I’m trying to set the scene for our first adventure, and it doesn't help that you’re making that annoying sound. It distracts me…and you know very well it's hard for me to talk to our new friends when your hands are locked around my neck in a death grip.  
  
(He smiles at the camera.)  
  
DOCTOR: Little does she know I have a respiratory bypass system, so she can choke me all she wants, it won’t hurt me a bit and….OW!  
  
ROSE: Yeah, but a slap to the face hurts ya a lot, doesn't it?  
  
(The Doctor stares at her, as he rubs his cheek. He lets out a melodramatic sigh and shakes his head.)  
  
DOCTOR: Women, one of the few great mysteries of the universe I still have to figure out. Anyway, before Rose injures me further, I will tell you about our great adventure on Tiempo Five…  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	2. Chapter 2

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[Tenth Doctor](http://www.whofic.com/categories.php?catid=15)  
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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32362) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32362)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=2) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter One  
  
The Doctor opened the TARDIS door and looked out. He looked back in at Rose who was standing behind him.  
  
“Ready?” he asked her.  
  
“I guess so; I just swallowed that little purple pill ya gave me. What’s it for, anyway?” Rose asked.  
  
“That pill, Rose, will help to keep your body in proper working order. We’ve landed here on Tiempo Five. The rotation of this planet is so fast the days are only twenty minutes long here and the planet is lozenge-shaped because of it. That means that gravity is much heavier than on Earth and you and I would be crushed to death in seconds if we didn’t take the necessary precautions. This pill helps counter the effects on our bodies. Now are you ready?”  
  
“I don’t know, Doctor, am I gonna be crushed like a piece of paper the minute I come out the door?”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“I don’t know, but there’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?”  
  
“Gee, Doctor, your concern for my well-being is overwhelming.”  
  
“You don’t see my body being crushed into a wad, do you?”  
  
“Well…no.”  
  
She gasped when the Doctor pulled her out the door.  
  
“Well, get out here then, Tyler. Time’s short here and so are the people. We have lots to explore before we leave.”  
  
He closed the doors, locked them and turned around. He scratched his chin while he examined Rose closely.  
  
“Hmmm, from what I can tell your body has survived uncrushed,” he said. “Always a good sign. Now, allons-y Rose! It’s time to meet the Bok, the natives of this strange little planet!”  
  
They paused when they noticed a short, squat, brown being waddling towards them.  
  
“Well, what’d ya know? Here comes a native now,” the Doctor said, walking forward to greet him. Rose followed him glancing up as the sun quickly sped across the sky. She looked back at the little alien who was shaking the Doctor’s hand.  
  
“Welcome, my friends, to Tiempo Five. I am Plok. It’s nice to meet you.”  
  
“Nice to meet you, Plok. I am the Doctor and this is Rose,” he said, pointing to her.  
  
Rose frowned. Plok resembled a tiny, plump raisin with arms and legs. Plok waddled over to her and shook her hand.  
  
“Greetings, Rose.”  
  
“Greetings, Plok.”  
  
Plok glanced up when the sun began to set in the sky.  
  
“Oh my, it’s dinnertime already!” he said in disbelief. “My, the day has just flown by today, hasn't it?”  
  
He smiled up at his new friends.  
  
“I’m sorry, I really must eat something. I haven’t had anything to eat all day. Busy, busy, busy!”  
  
“That’s fine, Plok. Go ahead,” the Doctor said.  
  
Rose and the Doctor watched while Plok looked down at a belt around his waist and opened a small pouch attached to it. He took out a green pill, swallowed it and licked his lips.  
  
“Mmmm, that really hit the spot,” he said, rubbing his belly. “I’m so full now I’m about to burst.”  
  
“But, Doctor, all he did was swallow a pill,” Rose whispered.  
  
“Yeah, well, what do you expect on a planet where the days only last twenty minutes?” he whispered back.” A seven course meal?”  
  
Plok burped.  
  
“Oh, excuse me,” he said. “And I apologize for eating in front of you. It was extremely rude of me.”  
  
“No worries, Plok,” the Doctor replied. “I want to ask you though where is the nearest town? Rose and I are from out of town and we would love to visit.”  
  
“Oh! Why, our capital city is just over that large hill in front of you. Minnock is lovely, you’ll like it and--“  
  
He glanced at the sun as it sank below the horizon.  
  
“Oh, I’m so sorry, my friends. It’s bedtime. I hope you understand. I have to go to work tomorrow. I hope to see you in Minnock.”  
  
“Thanks, Plok, you’ve been a tremendous help,” the Doctor said smiling.  
  
Plok nodded. He closed his eyes and fell asleep standing up. Seconds later he was snoring loudly.  
  
The Doctor reached in his trench coat pocket, brought out a torch and clicked it on while Rose stared at the sleeping alien.  
  
“Boy, I’m glad our planet isn’t like this one,” she said. “Can’t imagine having to live my life as a walking, talking poo.”  
  
The Doctor gave her a shocked look.  
  
“Rose Tyler, that’s rude. Plok can’t help the way he was born,” he said, scandalized.  
  
Rose stared at him and saw that he was desperately trying to keep a straight face.  
  
“Now, come on, Rose. Sunrise should be in about...ooooo, three minutes or so,” he said, shining his torch on his watch. “Let’s get going.”  
  
When they started off again, Rose heard the Doctor let out a giggle and mutter “Walking talking poo, that’s great,” under his breath.  
  
By the time they reached the hill and started down, the sun was beginning to rise. The Doctor switched off the torch and they stood and looked at Minnock. Rose noticed that the buildings were dome shaped and looked like they were made out of dried mud. The Doctor took Rose’s hand and they resumed walking. As they neared the city, Rose let out a gasp as Plok zoomed past them. He stopped and looked their way.  
  
“Good morning, my friends,” he said waving. “You only made it this far? I figured you would have been inside the city by now.”  
  
He glanced up at the rapidly rising sun and his eyes widened.  
  
“Oops, gotta go. I’ll be late for work!” he said.  
  
He waved at them, turned and ran into town at such a fast speed all Rose could see was a little brown blur.  
  
“Fast little bugger, yeah?” Rose said.  
  
“Has to be, Rose. Twenty minute days, remember,” the Doctor said, pointing at the sky.  
  
They walked into town and Rose looked around at the Boks swarming around them while they quickly headed to their workplaces.  
  
“My God, it’s like walking through a sea of poo,” Rose remarked as she looked down at all of them.  
  
The Doctor snorted out a laugh and quickly put his hand over his nose.  
  
“Now, Rose, that’s not polite,” he said, trying not to laugh.  
  
Rose gasped when a brown blur nearly knocked her over.  
  
“Watch where you’re going, slowpoke!”she heard him call out as he zoomed away.  
  
“It’s a good thing that bugger’s fast, I would have made him even shorter than he is now,” Rose muttered.  
  
Another few seconds went by and the sound of doors slamming resounded up and down the street as all the Boks ran into their workplaces. Rose looked at the deserted street in front of them.  
  
“So, now what?” she asked the Doctor.  
  
“Well, we could go to city hall and ask for directions to any places of interest,” the Doctor mused. “That would be a good first start.”  
  
“Where is city hall?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor pointed to a gigantic domed building in the center of town.  
  
“I believe that’s it,” he said.  
  
They took two steps towards city hall. Suddenly, a whistle blew and the streets were instantly filled with Boks. Rose looked at the Doctor.  
  
“Their lunch hour,” the Doctor explained.  
  
They stood and watched while the Boks swallowed an assortment of multicolored pills, talked to each other briefly for a few seconds and then as one swarmed back into work and slammed the doors with a deafening BANG! Rose blinked as her mind tried to take it all in.  
  
“Okay, this is an extremely surreal little planet they’ve got here,” she said.  
  
“Surreal, yes, but the Boks are friendly little buggers you’ve got to admit.”  
  
“Yeah, except for the one that almost ran me down,” Rose said.  
  
“Now, Rose, that wasn’t his fault. He was late for work. Show some consideration for their lifestyle here. Time is everything to these people. Now come on, let’s get to city hall before the workday ends and rush hour begins.”  
  
Rose grimaced at another round of being pushed and shoved and nearly knocked over by swarms of walking, talking poo. Taking the Doctor's hand, they quickly ran towards City Hall before that happened.  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	3. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32415) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32415)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=3) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Rose and the Doctor hunched over and squeezed through the tiny door of Minnock’s City Hall. Once inside they discovered that the building was spacious inside and they were able to stand upright.  
  
Rose gasped as a series of deafening bangs echoed throughout the building. She and the Doctor put their hands over their ears.  
  
“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? A PNEUMATIC DRILL?” she yelled to the Doctor over the bangs.  
  
The Doctor answered her, but she was unable to hear him over the racket.  
  
“WHAT?” she screamed at him.  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes. He took her hand off her left ear and leaned into it.  
  
“IT’S THE BOK AT THE FRONT DESK!” he bellowed. “ITS STAMPING PAPERWORK!”  
  
Rose put her hand back over her ear and looked at the receptionist sitting at the front desk. It took her a moment to realize that the Bok’s arms were moving super-fast stamping an enormous stack of paperwork underneath its hand. In addition to that, there was an even bigger pile of paperwork that was stacked up by the desk. When each paper was stamped, the Bok quickly flung them across its desk into a little tray marked OUT. She watched in fascination as the individual papers flew from the pile in a continuous stream and landed neatly on top of another huge stack of papers in the tray. The Bok was concentrating hard while its hands continued to stamp the papers and make them fly across the desk in a fast, steady rhythm. The Doctor beckoned to Rose to follow him and, holding their hands over their ears, they walked across the large hall towards the receptionist’s desk.  
  
“EXCUSE ME!” the Doctor shouted over the ruckus.  
  
The receptionist stopped and Rose breathed a sigh of relief as silence came to the building at last.  
  
“Young man, there is no need to shout. I am not deaf,” she said indignantly.  
  
“It’s a bloody wonder you aren’t.” Rose muttered to herself.  
  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout,” the Doctor quickly apologized.  
  
The Bok glared at him.  
  
“Is there something you need?” she said impatiently. “I’m very busy here. I have a quota to meet on these forms.”  
  
“I understand that. It’s just that my friend and I are visiting from off world and we wondered if there were any touristy type things we could visit.”  
  
The Bok sighed angrily.  
  
“Sir, that is not my department.” She said angrily. “Go to the Minnock Chamber of Commerce, they will be able to assist you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have paperwork to attend to.”  
  
“Yes, but where is the Chamber of Commerce located?” the Doctor asked.  
  
The Bok started to reply when suddenly they heard a whistle blow. The Bok sighed angrily.  
  
“I’m sorry, sir, we’re closed now,” she said jumping off her high stool. “Please leave.”  
  
“Yes, but--“  
  
“Leave, sir, before I have security throw you out!”  
  
The Doctor sighed angrily. He and Rose turned and walked back towards the door while the receptionist grumbled to herself about missing her quota for the day. They bent over and walked out onto the steps of City Hall. Standing straight, they looked at all the little brown blurs hurrying home for the night. Rose grimaced when there was another resounding bang of doors slamming simultaneously all over the city.  
  
“Like I said, it’s a wonder the Bok’s aren’t deaf,” she muttered to herself.  
  
She looked at the Doctor.  
  
“So, now where do we go?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor started to reply when they heard a familiar voice call out,  
  
“Hello, my friends!”  
  
They looked down at Plok who was climbing the steps towards them.  
  
“I was just out for an evening walk and happened to run into you again. I am so glad to see you. Are you enjoying the city?” he asked.  
  
“Well, actually we’ve only seen City Hall so far,” Rose said.  
  
Plok frowned at her.  
  
“That’s all you’ve seen the entire day?” he asked, confused. “What were you doing in there?”  
  
“Well actually, Plok, we were trying to find some places in your city to visit,” the Doctor explained.  
  
Plok’s face lit up.  
  
“Why not come to my house? I’m holding a dinner party tonight for some friends,” he said. “Come and be my guests.”  
  
The Doctor and Rose smiled.  
  
“Thank you, Plok. We would be honored,” the Doctor said as Rose nodded in agreement.  
  
Plok beamed.  
  
“I am so glad you accepted my invitation, my friends. Follow me and I will show you to my house!”  
  
Before they could move, Plok zoomed off. The Doctor and Rose stood on the steps and watched as he sped away. Plok got about a half mile up the street before he finally realized they weren’t with him. He stopped and turned around.  
  
“MY FRIENDS, AREN’T YOU COMING?” he called out to them.  
  
“WE AREN’T AS FAST AS YOU ARE!” Rose bellowed. “YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO SLOW DOWN!”  
  
They watched while Plok stood silently for a moment and then he quickly zoomed back to them.  
  
“Slow down, Rose?” he said in confusion. “I have been going slowly so you’d be able to see where I’m headed.”  
  
“Well, uh, you’re gonna have to go slower than that, Plok.” Rose said.  
  
Plok glanced up and saw the sun was nearly below the horizon.  
  
“There’s no time, the party is due to start in another minute or son” he said pointing to the sun.  
  
He thought for a moment.  
  
“Here, sit on my hands,” he said, holding them up.  
  
“Sit on your hands?” Rose said.  
  
“Yes, I will carry you to my house. That way, we will all arrive on time.”  
  
Rose looked at the Doctor. He shrugged.  
  
“Do as the Bok says, Rose,” he said.  
  
Rose sat down on one of the Bok’s hands and the Doctor sat on the other one.  
  
“Hold on tight to me now,” Plok said.  
  
Rose barely had time to wrap her arms around Plok before he took off again at lightning speed. She gasped and looked over at the Doctor who was also holding on for dear life. Unlike her, though, he looked like he was having the time of his life.  
  
After a few seconds, Plok suddenly stopped and the Doctor and Rose flew off his hands onto the ground. Plok smiled at them as they got up and dusted themselves off.  
  
“In here, we’re expected,” he said, pointing to the little domed house beside them.  
  
They hunched down and followed Plok through the front door. Unlike City Hall, the ceiling was not very high and Rose and the Doctor squatted down while Plok stood in front of them and introduced them to the 10 other Boks squeezed into the tiny living room.  
  
“Honored guests, I am pleased to introduce you to two new friends I made today. This is the Doctor and Rose.”  
  
They smiled and waved at the Boks who greeted them warmly.  
  
“Now, my friends,” he said to everyone in the room. “Let’s start out the night with a hearty feast!”  
  
Rose and the Doctor watched while the Boks reached into their pouches, pulled out some pills and swallowed them. Plok looked back at them and waddled over.  
  
“My friends, you are not eating?” he asked, concerned.  
  
Rose glanced at the Doctor.  
  
“We…uh…don’t have anything to eat,” she said sheepishly.  
  
“Oh, well, that is easily fixed,” Plok said, reaching into his pouch and pulling out two pills. “Here you go, help yourself.”  
  
Rose took a pink pill from him and the Doctor took a green one. Plok smiled and waddled over to his other guests.  
  
“Do we get any water for these?” she asked him.  
  
“Probably not. Just swallow them. Do what they do,” the Doctor replied.  
  
Rose shrugged. She put the pill in her mouth and grimaced as she managed to swallow it. Her eyes widened in surprise. She could taste roast beef and mashed potatoes while the pill went down her throat, followed by cherry pie.  
  
“Mmmm,” she said. “Not bad.”  
  
“What’d you have?” the Doctor asked.  
  
“Roast beef, mashed potatoes and cherry pie. At least that’s what it tasted like to me.”  
  
“Heh, mine tasted like fried chicken, roast potatoes and chocolate ice cream.”  
  
“Hmmm, sounds good too. Pretty amazing, considering we just swallowed a pill.”  
  
“Well, just because it’s a pill doesn’t mean it has to be bland and tasteless, Rose. The Bok may have only 20 minute days, but that doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy life,” the Doctor replied.  
  
“And now, my friends,” Plok said. “I think we should end up the evening with dancing! What say all of you?”  
  
The other Boks cheered. Plok smiled and went over to a tiny piano in the corner. He flexed his fingers above the keys and then suddenly he was belting out a song as fast as he could. Rose’s eyes widened while the other Boks paired off, grabbed each other’s hands and spun around and around so fast they looked like tiny tornadoes spinning around the living room. She looked at the Doctor when he nudged her ribs.  
  
“Well, come on, ya little wallflower, dance with me,” he said with a grin on his face.  
  
“What, spin around like that?” Rose said pointing to the Boks.  
  
“Why? Think I’m not capable of going that fast?” he said with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
“No, I’m sure you’d find a way to go that fast, the question is do you want to finish up the dance with my vomit all over ya?”  
  
The Doctor considered that.  
  
“On second thought, let’s just sit this one out, shall we?” he said with a grin and a nudge.  
  
A few seconds later, the music stopped and so did the tiny whirlwinds. The Boks applauded Plok as he stepped away from the piano and bowed.  
  
“Sadly, my friends, it’s time for everyone to go home,” Plok said. “As much as I’d like to continue this party, I must go to work tomorrow. But, it was nice to see all of you.”  
  
He turned to the Doctor and Rose while the other Boks said their farewells and headed out the front door.  
  
“And thank you so much for coming Doctor and Rose, I am honored to have you in my house.”  
  
“I am honored as well,” the Doctor replied, bowing his head.  
  
“And so am I,” Rose added, also bowing her head.  
  
“You are welcome to spend the night in my house, if you’d like,” Plok said. “My home is yours.”  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“I appreciate the offer, but Rose and I need to get going. But, thanks for everything.”  
  
“The pleasure is mine, my friends,” Plok said. “In fact, I would like to give you a gift from my world to take with you.”  
  
“You don’t have to--“the Doctor began but Plok was already in the back room of his house before he could get the rest of the sentence out.  
  
He zoomed back out and gave a small black gem to the Doctor.  
  
“For you, my friends, a rare black diamond from the Chezan Mountains. So you’ll always remember me.  
  
“Aw, Plok, you don’t have to give us this,” the Doctor said, trying to put it back in his hands.  
  
Plok pushed it away.  
  
“No, I insist. Please take it,” he said.  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“I…I am gobsmacked, Plok. Thank you for giving us such a beautiful gift,” he said.  
  
Plok smiled from ear to ear.  
  
“True friends are as rare as the rarest gem,” he said. “Both should be treasured forever. That is an old Bok saying.”  
  
Both the Doctor and Rose smiled and nodded. They reached over and gave Plok a huge hug. They pulled away and Rose mentally took back all the poo comments she had made about his race. He was such a sweet guy. She was going to miss him. They rose up and went out the door into the cool night air and with some reluctance headed off towards the TARDIS while Plok closed the door and turned out the light.  
  
  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	4. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32468) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32468)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=4) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Interlude...  
  
(Camera cuts back to the Console room. The Doctor is sitting cross-legged on the floor. Behind him, Rose is lying across the captain’s chair on her stomach staring at the Doctor with a bored expression on her face.)  
  
DOCTOR: And that’s the story of our adventure on Tiempo Five. Wasn’t it just…BIZZARE?  
  
(Rose rolls her eyes.)  
  
DOCTOR: Of course, I still have the black diamond that Plok gave us…or rather Rose has it. I had to surrender it immediately to her before she got violent.  
  
ROSE: Oh, you did not, Doctor.  
  
(The Doctor ignores her)  
  
DOCTOR: Yup, I saw it in her eyes the moment we were back in the TARDIS. The greed. She wanted that diamond and would have done anything to get it. Even…kill.  
  
(Rose snorts and mutters “Yeah, right, Doctor." The Doctor holds up his right hand and points to it.)  
  
DOCTOR: See this hand? I lost the original in a swordfight. I wasn’t about to have this one wrenched off my arm by a gem-hungry woman!  
  
ROSE: Doctor, you are so full of shit, it’s unbelievable!  
  
(The Doctor pauses a moment.)  
  
DOCTOR (Keeping his face towards the camera): Sweetie, I’m feeling parched. Go to the kitchen and fetch me a cuppa since you’re not doing anything at the moment, there’s a good girl.  
  
ROSE (Bored voice): Yeah, I’ll get right on it.  
  
(The Doctor waits a moment and turns his head around to see that Rose has not budged. He turns his head back towards the camera and rolls his eyes.)  
  
DOCTOR (Mutters to himself): When I was younger and wanted a cuppa, my companions actually went and got it for me. Youth of today have no respect for their elders.  
  
ROSE: You got it, gramps. You have two legs and two arms, now go and get it your bleedin’ self, I’m resting here.  
  
(The Doctor widens his eyes.)  
  
DOCTORS (Mutters): Gramps? Did I hear that right? Rose Tyler actually called me “Gramps”?  
  
ROSE: Yup, you’d heard me loud and clear, Gramps.  
  
The Doctor leaps to his feet and jabs his finger in her face.  
  
DOCTOR: Now you listen here. I am the Oncoming Storm! I am fire and ice and rage. I’m like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. I’m ancient and forever. I burn at the center of time and I can see the turn of the universe and I’m bleedin’ wonderful, so obey me, Rose Tyler and go get me a cuppa!  
  
(Rose gets up, plants her feet on the floor and stares directly into the Doctor’s eyes.)  
  
ROSE: Now you listen to me, Ego Lord, and listen really well. I am the Bad Wolf; the destroyer of the Dalek Emperor and the Dalek fleet. I saved your little butt back on the Gamestation so if anyone needs to be fetching a cuppa for someone, it should be you doing it for me. Now, sit your arse back down, keep on with your stories and behave yourself before I go over there, rip open the console, absorb the bleedin’ vortex and make your life sheer Hell! And, buster, don’t think for a microsecond that I won’t do it cause I will!  
  
(The Doctor stares at her for a moment and then meekly sits back down. Ignoring the look of death, the Doctor keeps his attention focused on the camera. Rose stares at him a moment more before laying back down on the captain’s chair.)  
  
DOCTOR: Um…anyway, let’s move on, shall we before unpleasant things happen. Our next adventure takes place on the planet Teltubia, a strange place populated by strange aliens who worship a strange god. Rose and I barely escaped from there with our lives.  
  
(He leans forward)  
  
DOCTOR: So, now, settle down with a nice cuppa and listen as I tell you the strange tale of our adventure on Teltubia…  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	5. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32505) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32505)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=5) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter Three  
  
The Doctor opened the TARDIS door and stepped outside.  
  
“So, this is Teltubia, yeah?” Rose said as she followed him out.  
  
“As far as I know,” the Doctor replied.  
  
“Why, aren’t you sure where you are?”  
  
“Well, truth be told, I’ve never been here before.”  
  
“Really? I thought you’d been everywhere,” Rose said. astonished.  
  
“Well,” the Doctor said, sniffing importantly. “I’ve been almost everywhere. Seen almost everything. But, I do admit, there are some planets I haven’t visited yet and this is one of them.”  
  
Rose took a look around at the terrain. All around there were lush green fields and rolling hills and…rabbits, lots and lots of rabbits. Rabbits as far as the eye could see.  
  
“Blimey, this must be the bunny planet or something, right Doctor?”  
  
She paused, waiting for the Doctor to answer.  
  
“Right, Doctor?” she repeated when she didn’t get a response.  
  
“It’s alive.”  
  
Rose looked at him.  
  
“Huh? What’s alive?” she asked him.  
  
The Doctor pointed up at the sky.  
  
“The sun is alive!” he said in a hushed voice.  
  
Rose looked up and let out a startled scream when she saw an enormous baby’s head right in the middle of the sun. Rose and the Doctor stared at the sun baby in shock while it stared back at them and gurgled softly.  
  
“Doctor, it’s a baby!” Rose said, pointing up to it.  
  
“Well done, old Hawkeye, nothing escapes that microscopic gaze of yours, does it?” the Doctor said, dryly.  
  
Rose ignored him.  
  
“What’s a baby doing in the middle of the sun?” she said.  
  
The Doctor stared at the baby who was now grinning at them.  
  
“Um, offhand, I’d say it’s drooling on itself,” he said.  
  
“No, I mean why is there a baby in the middle of that sun?”  
  
“I haven’t the foggiest idea, Rose.”  
  
“Well, didn’t you ever hear about something like this?”  
  
“No, sadly, the professors I had at the Time Lord Academy seemed to have skipped over the section that mentioned gargantuan babies that live in suns,” he said. “You wanna know what it’s doing there, ask it.”  
  
“Doctor, it’s a baby. I doubt if it can even talk yet.”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Well, then I don’t know what to tell you. I suppose we’ll just have to find someone who can explain it to us.”  
  
“GAH!”  
  
They both jumped when the baby yelled at them. They looked up and saw he was giggling insanely while he stared at them with wide eyes.  
  
“Um, yeah, let’s go find that someone right now,” the Doctor said, taking Rose’s hand.  
  
They walked off in search of someone to talk to. As they stepped over the sleeping bunnies and navigated around the huge mounds of rabbit poo they kept glancing up at the sun baby who was watching their every move with interest.  
  
“God, that thing gives me the creeps,” Rose muttered.  
  
“GOO-GAH!”  
  
Rose glanced at the baby and quickly ducked her head down when she noticed he was staring directly at her.  
  
They reached the top of a hill and paused when they noticed an enormous hole in the center of it. The Doctor inched over and gazed into it.  
  
“That’s one big, bloody bunny,” he muttered, trying to see into the darkness.  
  
“Should we keep going?” Rose asked.  
  
“Yeah, before whatever’s in this hole decides to wake up,” the Doctor replied.  
  
They went down the other side of the hill. They stopped short when they reached the bottom while a little periscope-type object slowly rose up out of the ground in front of them. Curious, the Doctor walked over and examined the speaker on the end of it. He jumped back when a woman’s voice bellowed out.  
  
“INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!”  
  
“Um, that doesn’t sound good,” the Doctor said. “Come on, Rose, back to the TARD…”  
  
He and Rose gasped while a purple alien jumped up out of the hole in the hill and landed in front of them.  
  
“TINKY-WINKY!” the alien cried out  
  
A green alien followed him out of the hole and landed beside him.  
  
“DIPSY!” it yelled.  
  
A yellow alien jumped out and landed beside the others.  
  
“LAA-LAA!” It said.  
  
And finally a little red alien jumped out.  
  
“PO!”  
  
As one, the four aliens yelled out “EH-OH!” to the newcomers.  
  
Rose and the Doctor stared at the four chubby aliens standing before them.  
  
“Now what do we do?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor cleared his throat.  
  
“Um...Greetings, I am the Doctor and this is Rose. We come in peace.”  
  
He paused for a response. The four aliens stared back at him silently. He shrugged.  
  
“We are travelers,” he said. “We are only passing through so please don’t kill us.”  
  
Tinky-Winky stepped forward and pointed to his belly. The Doctor looked down and noticed there was a television screen there. He looked at Rose.  
  
“This planet is amazing,” he said to her. “Television in their stomachs. Now that is evolution!”  
  
They looked back when the screen flickered to life. The other aliens gathered around Tinky-Winky as an image appeared. Rose and the Doctor bent down and saw a brown colored alien who had a wrinkled face and a long, snow-white beard. He was carrying a wooden staff in one hand and was waving to them.  
  
“Greetings, Strangers!” the alien said to the Doctor and Rose. “I am Chief Tub-Tub of the Teletubbie tribe. I welcome you both to Teltubia!”  
  
“Um…thank you Chief Tub-Tub, I am the Doctor and this is Rose. It’s an honor to meet you.”  
  
“The pleasure is all mine,” Tub-Tub said. “What brings you here to our planet?”  
  
“We are explorers. We’re just visiting your planet out of curiosity,” the Doctor replied. “We wish to learn more about the inhabitants here.”  
  
“Then, I shall satisfy your curiosity. My four loyal guards shall escort you to our village where a huge feast shall be prepared in your honor.”  
  
The Doctor bowed his head and Rose did likewise.  
  
“Thank you, Chief Tub-Tub; it will be a pleasure to dine with you and your people,” the Doctor said.  
  
Tub-Tub smiled at them. He looked up at what the Doctor assumed was Tinky-Winky.  
  
“Escort our visitors to the village, Tinky-Winky,” he said.  
  
“Okay!” Tinky-Winky said happily.  
  
Tub-Tub looked at the Doctor and Rose.  
  
“Follow them. My guards will lead you to us.”  
  
The Doctor and Rose bowed again.  
  
“And now I must go and prepare the feast. I shall see you in the village, “Tub-Tub said.  
  
The image faded from the screen while the Doctor and Rose leaned back up.  
  
“AGAIN!” Tinky-Winky shrieked.  
  
“AGAIN, AGAIN!” the others said, jumping up and down.  
  
The Doctor and Rose looked at each other as the screen flickered and Tub-Tub came back. He chuckled at the excited guards.  
  
“Not now, my guards, you have a job to do!” he said, fondly.  
  
The image faded again while the teletubbies let out a disappointed moan. The disappointment was quickly forgotten, however, when Tinky-Winky took the Doctor and Rose’s hand and he and the others led them towards their village.  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	6. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32540) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32540)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=6) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter Four  
  
The Doctor and Rose followed the four Teletubbies while they led them towards their village.  
  
“So, that’s your boss, eh?” the Doctor asked Po.  
  
Po stared up at him with a wide smile.  
  
“Chief Tub-Tub, you work for him?” the Doctor said.  
  
Po giggled and skipped on ahead.  
  
“O…kay that got me absolutely nowhere,” the Doctor muttered to Rose.  
  
“Maybe they’re just shy,” Rose offered.  
  
“Didn’t seem too shy before,” the Doctor replied.  
  
He shrugged.  
  
“Ah well, I suppose the Chief will explain everything once we get to the village,” he sighed.  
  
He glanced up at the sun baby and saw he was burbling and cooing to himself.  
  
“And first on the list of explanations will be that thing,” he said pointing to it.  
  
GAAAAAAAAH OOOOOOO GAH!  
  
The Doctor glanced at Rose.  
  
“GOO GOO GAH GAH!” he said to the sun.  
  
The sun baby grinned from ear to ear and laughed.  
  
AAAAH? GOOOOOOO!  
  
“Oooo, eeee, ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang!” the Doctor replied back.  
  
The sun baby roared with laughter.  
  
“Wow, Doctor, you finally found someone who communicates on your level,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor eyed her and swatted the back of her head when she giggled.  
  
“Yeah, that’s really funny Rose Ty…LER!”  
  
The Doctor screamed when his foot hit rabbit poo. He flew into the air and landed with a thud on the ground.  
  
“UH-OOOOOOOOH!” the Teletubbies said in unison.  
  
Trying hard not to laugh, Rose helped the Doctor to his feet. He looked down at the poo on the bottom of his plimsoll and cursed under his breath. He noticed a rabbit lying nearby and lifted his foot to kick it, hesitated a moment and with a sigh, lowered his foot and walked on. Rose smiled at him and ruffled his hair affectionately and the Doctor instantly forgot all about the incident as he took her hand and walked behind the Teletubbies.  
  
Twenty minutes later they reached the top of a high hill. Beyond it, they could see a city built out of the nearby hills. Teletubbies of every size and color moved in and among the hill houses laughing, singing and dancing. In the center of the village a giant arena towered over the countryside. Its sheer size made it look out of place in the rustic setting.  
  
The Doctor sighed when he noticed hundreds more rabbits lying on and around the hill houses.  
  
“They need to seriously think about sterilizing some of these animals before they’re up to their armpits in bunnies, “the Doctor muttered.  
  
The Teletubbies in the village noticed their four friends were with the Doctor and Rose.  
  
“EH-OH!” they yelled to them.  
  
“EH-OH!” the four Teletubbies yelled back.  
  
Giggling, they ran away from the Doctor and Rose towards the others.  
  
“Well, wait a moment! What about us?” the Doctor yelled at them. “Where’s Chief Tub-Tub?”  
  
He sighed when the Teletubbies ignored him, ran over to some other Teletubbies and began to dance with them.  
  
“So, what do we do, Doctor?”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“I guess we go ahead and walk into the village. Hopefully, Chief Tub-Tub will spot us walking around and show us where to go; especially since our four friends are now too busy having a hoedown with the other Teletubbies.”  
  
He took Rose’s hand and they walked into the village. Once they reached the hill houses they slowed down and took in their surroundings. A group of Teletubbies were dancing and laughing together and they paused to watch. One Teletubbie did a dance move and the others imitated him laughing in high-pitched voices. Rose couldn’t help but smile at them.  
  
“Doctor, you gotta admit they’re cu…”  
  
She paused when she noticed the Doctor was doing the dance moves along with the others. He quickly stopped and cleared his throat when he caught her looking at him.  
  
“Tribal dances, I expect,” he said in his scholarly tone of voice. “I was just imitating them in an effort to fit in.”  
  
“Yeah, right, Doctor,” Rose muttered.  
  
“Welcome!”  
  
The Doctor and Rose looked over when Tub-Tub walked up. The Doctor bowed and Rose followed suit. Tub-Tub walked over to the Doctor’s side and stopped.  
  
“How do you like our village?” he asked them.  
  
“Well, it’s…interesting,” the Doctor said.  
  
“We were wondering though about the…baby,” Rose said pointing up to the sun.  
  
Tub-Tub glanced up with a reverent look at the infant.  
  
“Ah yes, that is our god,” he said, pointing at the baby with his staff.  
  
The Doctor and Rose stared at him.  
  
“Your god?” the Doctor said in disbelief. “You worship a baby?”  
  
“Oh yes, Gerber is our god. He is the one who created us,” Tub-Tub said. “Our ancient lore says that at the beginning of time, Gerber was searching for other life forms in the universe so he wouldn’t be lonely and his search made him very hungry. He ate the Tubby Custard that he found on this planet. Then, he spit up and the Tubby Custard fell to Teltubia and became the first Teletubbies. We have paid him reverence ever since.”  
  
The Doctor and Rose stared at him in silent shock.  
  
“You and your people are made outta spit up Custard,” Rose said, trying to keep a straight face.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Rose turned away.  
  
“Blimey, now I’ve heard everything,” she muttered as the Doctor tried not to laugh.  
  
She turned back.  
  
“So, um, what happens if you don’t pay Gerber…reverence?” she asked.  
  
“Oh, we would never do that. We worship him completely,” Tub-Tub said, shocked.  
  
“Yeah, but I’m just asking what if, you know, just what if ya didn’t; what would happen?” Rose asked.  
  
“Oh, Gerber would bring plagues and pestilence upon this land and deny us sustenance and we would surely die,” Tub-Tub said gravely.  
  
Rose stared at him. She turned and looked up at the vengeful baby god and noticed he had a trail of snot running out of his nose while he cooed back at her.  
  
“Um, somehow I find that hard to believe,” she said.  
  
“But, come, enough talk for now. We must show you to your room so you can rest up before the feast,” Tub-Tub said.  
  
He beckoned and they followed while he led them away from the dancing Teletubbies towards the arena.  
  
“There is a guest house near the stadium. You can rest there while my subjects prepare your meal.”  
  
They Doctor nodded. While they walked, the Doctor looked around at the other Teletubbies and frowned when he noticed they seemed to be communicating to each other in one word sentences.  
  
“Excuse me, Chief Tub-Tub,” the Doctor said. “But I can’t help noticing that you’re the only Teletubbie who seems to be capable of forming complete sentences.”  
  
Tub-Tub chuckled.  
  
“That is because I am the most intelligent Teletubbie here,” he said. “The others are smart in their own little way but, mentally, they are at the level of toddlers. I am much more advanced which is why I was chosen to lead them.”  
  
“Oh, okay, just wondering,” the Doctor said.  
  
They stopped at a little hill house.  
  
“In here,” he said, opening the door. “You will find a couple of beds where you can rest. When we are ready, I will send someone to fetch you.”  
  
“Righty-o!” the Doctor said cheerfully.  
  
He took Rose’s hand and led her into the hill house. Tub-Tub waited until they shut the door before hurrying away.  
  
He walked out of the village and climbed a nearby hill. Reaching the top, he laid down his staff and prostrated before the sun baby.  
  
“Oh Gerber, great and powerful god of the Teletubbies,” he said with reverence. “Today, we will hold a feast in your honor and after it we will perform the annual blood sacrifice. Please, bless us, oh Gerber and accept these stranger’s hearts as an offering. Give us your bounty, merciful one! Accept our tribute!”  
  
He knelt on the hill for a moment while the sun baby stared down at him, enraptured. Finally, he bowed his head and got to his feet.  
  
“Thank you, great one,” he said, bowing his head one more time.  
  
Smiling to himself, he picked up his staff, turned and headed back down the hill towards the village.  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	7. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32767) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32767)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=7) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter Five  
  
The Doctor and Rose lay together on one of the cots while they stared up at the domed ceiling above them. Rose laid her arm across his chest while he stroked her back.  
  
“So, what d’ya think?”  
  
Rose looked at the Doctor.  
  
“About what?” she asked.  
  
“Our friends. What d’ya think about them?”  
  
Rose shrugged.  
  
“They’re okay, I guess. Very childlike. Their “god” is weird, but other than that they’re kinda cute.”  
  
She frowned.  
  
“Why?” she asked.  
  
“Dunno, just a feeling. I have this funny feeling things aren’t as innocent as they seem around here.”  
  
“Doctor, you get that feeling all the time, yeah? It’s because you keep running into trouble.”  
  
“Yeah, maybe…maybe not,” he muttered. “I’m usually not wrong about these things though.”  
  
“So, you think these Teletubbie things are really some kind of demonic creature?”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened,” he said. “Anyway, I’m reserving judgment on our friends for the moment.”  
  
They looked over when the little wooden door opened up and Laa-Laa looked inside.  
  
“Feast!” she said.  
  
“Oh, are they all ready for us then?” the Doctor asked.  
  
“Feast!” Laa-Laa repeated.  
  
“You heard her, Rose. Feast!” the Doctor said.  
  
He waited until she had gotten up off of him before getting up and grabbing his trench coat.  
  
“Lead the way little Teletubbie,” he said cheerfully.  
  
Laa-Laa giggled and stepped aside while the Doctor and Rose emerged from the hill house.  
  
They took each other hands and followed Laa-Laa as she led them towards the arena.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Blimey!” Rose said when they stepped inside the arena.  
  
They looked around at the hundreds of Teletubbies sitting on all sides of the arena and looking at them intently.  
  
“EH-OH!” they said in unison waving to the Doctor and Rose.  
  
The Doctor and Rose waved back. They looked over at two stone tables sitting in the center of the arena.  
  
“Must be where they’ll place the food,” the Doctor said gesturing to them.  
  
Rose glanced up when Gerber suddenly appeared overhead.  
  
“Doctor, the sun baby…Gerber or whatever its name is…it just moved over here,” Rose said gesturing up to it. “Can suns even do that?”  
  
The Doctor glanced up at it and shrugged.  
  
“Dunno, Rose, I said I’m not an expert on sun baby gods. Tub-Tub said at the beginning of time it went searching the universe for a friend and found this place.”  
  
“Yeah, but that’s just a myth, isn’t it?”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Most myths have some grain of truth to them,” he said. “If the baby just moved over here, I’d say Tub-Tub was correct about it being capable of independent movement.”  
  
“I just hope this feast gets over quickly, this whole planet gives me the creeps,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor took her hand and smiled at her. They looked over when a door in the side of the arena opened and Tub-Tub emerged with Tinky-Winky behind him. The Doctor frowned when he noticed Tinky-Winky seemed to be carrying a little red purse with him.  
  
“I trust your accommodations were suitable,” Tub-Tub said smiling.  
  
“Yes, they were very nice,” the Doctor said.  
  
Tub-Tub gestured to Tinky-Winky who stepped forward and held out his red purse. He reached in, brought out a gold medallion and put it on.  
  
“This bag contains the regalia that I use for special occasions,” he explained to the Doctor and Rose. “Tinky-Winky is in charge of looking after it.”  
  
The Doctor and Rose nodded. Tub-Tub nodded to Tinky-Winky and he closed the bag and hurried back out the door.  
  
“My guards are bringing out the food,” Tub-Tub said as Po emerged from the door carrying two blankets.  
  
Tub-Tub beckoned to the Doctor and Rose while Po spread the blankets out on the grass in front of the two stone tables.  
  
“You will sit here,” Tub-Tub said.  
  
The Doctor and Rose sat down while Po ran back through the door. A moment later, she and the other Teletubbies emerged carrying bowls and cups. They sat them down in front of the Doctor and Rose and stepped back.  
  
“We have made you two of our planet’s specialties,” Tub-Tub said while they looked in the bowls. “Tubby Custard and Fried Rabbit. And the drink in your glasses is Bombleberry juice. Enjoy!”  
  
The Doctor paused and looked around at the assembled Teletubbies.  
  
“What about them? Aren’t they eating?” the Doctor asked Tub-Tub.  
  
“Oh no, we’ve already eaten. We’ve made this feast especially for you. Enjoy!”  
  
The Doctor gave him a suspicious look. He looked down at the Tubby Custard and looked back up at him.  
  
“What is in this custard exactly?” he asked.  
  
“It is made of Bombleberries and cream,” Tub-Tub said, shrugging. “It has been eaten by our kind since the first Teletubbie sat foot upon this planet. Now eat up before it gets warm.”  
  
The Doctor glanced at Rose. He stuck one finger into the custard and sucked on it.  
  
“How’s it taste?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Not bad,” he said.  
  
“Yes, it’s delicious! Now eat!” Tub-Tub urged them.  
  
The Doctor stared at him warily while he picked up a wooden spoon and began to eat the custard. Rose picked off some of the rabbit meat with her fingers and put it in her mouth.  
  
“Mmmm, pretty good,” she said.  
  
The Doctor glanced at her. He picked off some of the meat from his rabbit and ate it while Rose tried the custard. Rose smacked her lips.  
  
“This stuff is good,” she said.  
  
“Rabbit’s not bad either,” the Doctor admitted.  
  
“I’m so glad you like it. Now eat up,” Tub-Tub said.  
  
Rose and the Doctor devoured their meal. The Doctor still had his misgivings about the whole situation and something told him they shouldn’t eat the food, but it was so good he just couldn’t stop himself from eating it. He glanced over at Rose and saw she was eating just as quickly as he was. She looked up and gave him a guilty look when he noticed her shoveling the Tubby Custard into her mouth as fast as she could.  
  
“It’s good,” she said between the mouthfuls of Tubby Custard.  
  
The Doctor frowned. Something was wrong here, very wrong.  
  
“Rose, put the bowl down,” he ordered her.  
  
Rose stared at him.  
  
“Why? This stuff is good, Doctor.”  
  
“Just do it, Rose, now!”  
  
Rose stared at him, confused, while she slowly sat the bowl down in front of her.  
  
“But, you’re not finished yet,” Tub-Tub said, stepping forward.  
  
The Doctor gave him a wary look.  
  
“Yes, we are. We’re both full now,” he said.  
  
“But, you can’t be. The bowls aren’t empty yet.”  
  
The Doctor narrowed his eyes at him.  
  
“And why is it so important that we finish everything?” he asked Tub-Tub.  
  
“Because we went to all this trouble to fix it for you,” Tub-Tub replied. “It would be a shame to waste all this food.”  
  
“He’s right, Doctor…We really should…”  
  
The Doctor jerked his head around when he heard Rose let out an enormous yawn.  
  
“Oh, sorry, I guess I’m feeling a bit sleepy,” Rose said rubbing her eyes.  
  
The Doctor’s eyes widened when he noticed Rose becoming drowsy. He jerked his head back around at Tub-Tub.  
  
“What have you done?” he said, angrily.  
  
“What do you mean, what have we done? We’ve fed you,” Tub-Tub said innocently.  
  
The Doctor glanced back at Rose and saw her head was dropping onto her chest and her eyes were now barely open.  
  
“You’ve put something in the food! That’s why Rose is getting so sleepy! What have you done to her?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Doctor, but I’m afraid you and Rose must now serve a purpose bigger than yourselves,” Tub-Tub said.  
  
“What purpose? What do you mean?”  
  
He saw Tub-Tub nod his head and turned around just in time to see Tinky-Winky bring Tub-Tub’s staff down hard on his head. Then, everything went black.  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	8. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32770) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=32770)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=8) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Chapter Six  
  
The Doctor groaned and opened his eyes. He tried to move and found that he couldn’t. Looking down, he noticed he was tied up, stripped to the waist and lying on one of the stone tables. He glanced over and saw to his horror that Rose was lying unconscious on the other table bound and stripped to the waist. He looked over to his other side and saw Tub-Tub looking down at him.  
  
“What is this?” the Doctor demanded. “What are you planning to do with us?”  
  
“You and your friend must be sacrificed to Gerber,” Tub-Tub said, pointing to the baby overhead.  
  
The Doctor looked up and saw Gerber staring down at him. The smile on its face seemed almost satanic to him given their situation. He looked back over at Tub-Tub.  
  
“Leave Rose out of this. Sacrifice me!” he said.  
  
“I’m afraid that’s not possible. We need two hearts to appease Gerber,” Tub-Tub said.  
  
“Good, because I have two hearts all on my own. Now let Rose go!” the Doctor said.  
  
He looked back over when he heard Rose groan and saw her open her eyes.  
  
“Doctor…what’s going on?” she said softly.  
  
“I was right, that’s what’s going on,” The Doctor said grimly.  
  
Rose grunted while she tried to break free of her bonds. She looked over at Tub-Tub.  
  
“What’s going on?” she asked him.  
  
“You and your friend are going to be sacrificed to Gerber and your hearts will be used as an offering to ensure His continued blessings.”  
  
“What!?” Rose said in disbelief. “No, wait, you have got to be kidding me!”  
  
Tub-Tub pulled a long sacrificial knife out of the red bag.  
  
“Oh trust me, Rose. I don’t think they’re kidding at all,” the Doctor said while Tub-Tub walked over to him.  
  
Tub-Tub held the knife aloft over the Doctor’s body while he looked up at the sun baby.  
  
“Oh, Gerber, revered lord of the Teletubbies,” he intoned. “Bless this sacrifice and receive these stranger’s hearts as a tribute to your greatness.”  
  
The Doctor’s eyes widened. Rose’s suspicions about the sun baby’s ability to move independently were confirmed when he saw the baby sink lower to the arena and watch Tub-Tub with fascination.  
  
GAH-GOOOOOOOOOOO! He cooed  
  
Tub-Tub turned to the assembled Teletubbies.  
  
“Gerber is pleased!” he announced triumphantly.  
  
The Teletubbies cheered.  
  
Meanwhile, the Doctor managed to put his hand into the pocket of his trousers and slowly pull out his sonic screwdriver. While Tub-Tub continued to address the masses, he manipulated it around in his hand until it was pointing at the ropes around his chest. He turned the screwdriver on and glanced at Tub-Tub while the ropes began to smoke and burn. Rose watched nervously and muttered “Come on, come on,” as the sonic screwdriver slowly burned through the ropes. She looked over to the Teletubbie guards on her other side and noticed they were too busy listening to Tub-Tub to see what the Doctor was doing.  
  
“Ah, gotcha!” the Doctor muttered.  
  
Rose turned her head back around and noticed that the ropes on the Doctor’s chest had snapped open and he was now concentrating on the ropes around his legs.  
  
“May Gerber bless us for the coming year and bring us all that we require. And may He…”  
  
The Doctor kept his eyes on Tub-Tub while he continued to make his speech. The ropes around his legs snapped and the Doctor slowly moved his sonic screwdriver down his leg concentrating on the ropes around his ankles. Rose watched while he began to burn through those. She glanced back at the guards and groaned when she noticed the littlest one was looking straight at the Doctor with a curious expression on her face.  
  
“Bollocks,” she muttered when she saw that she was heading towards the Doctor so she could get a closer look at what he was doing.  
  
She looked back at the Doctor and saw he was completely absorbed in burning through the ropes around his ankles and had no idea that he had been spotted. Thinking quick, she raised her head while the little Teletubbie was walking around her table towards the Doctor.  
  
“Hey! You, um…Dipsy,” she said.  
  
She frowned when the Teletubbie ignored her.  
  
“Um…Laa-Laa?” she said.  
  
The Teletubbie continued to ignore her while she walked towards the other table.  
  
“Po!” she tried.  
  
She breathed a sigh of relief when the Teletubbie stopped at the sound of her name and walked over to her.  
  
“Wotcha!” she said, forcing a smile onto her face.  
  
“Eh-oh!” Po said happily.  
  
“How are you?” Rose asked her hoping to keep her occupied long enough for the Doctor to escape.  
  
Po giggled and rocked back and forth in front of her.  
  
“Can you count to ten?” Rose asked her.  
  
By this time the other guards had walked up curious as to what was going on. Rose smiled at them.  
  
“Can you count to ten?” she asked the others.  
  
The Teletubbies looked at each other and began to count to ten in unison.  
  
“That’s right! Very good!” Rose said.  
  
She glanced over at the Doctor and breathed a sigh of relief when the last rope snapped.  
  
“And now, we begin the blood sacrifice!” Tub-Tub said at the same time.  
  
He turned and paused when he saw the Doctor sit up on the table and swing his legs over the side.  
  
“Stirring speech there, personally I think the masses loved it,” he said to Tub-Tub. “Unfortunately, I’m afraid it was all for naught since there won’t be any blood sacrifices today.”  
  
Tub-Tub stared at him. He looked over at his guards who were crowded around Rose singing the ABC song with her. Tub-Tub became livid when he saw that his guards hadn’t noticed what the Doctor had done.  
  
“Guards!” he bellowed.  
  
The four Teletubbies stopped and looked over at him. They paused when they saw the Doctor sitting on the table grinning at them.  
  
“Uh-ooooooooooooooh!” they said in unison.  
  
“Well put!” the Doctor said.  
  
Before they could react, he swung his legs over and jumped off the table. Pushing Po out of the way, he grabbed their clothes from the ground beside the table, swung them over his arm and jumped off. Tub Tub tried to stop him but he quickly shoved him to the ground.  
  
“WHO’S UP FOR A GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK!” he said to the guards while he ran to the other table and quickly burned through Rose’s ropes.  
  
“ME, ME, ME!” the Teletubbies said happily while they jumped up and down.  
  
“Great! We’ll hide then and you come find us!” The Doctor said.  
  
“OKAY!” the Teletubbies said happily.  
  
“No, you fools! After them!” Tub-Tub said angrily, struggling to get his tubby body back up while the Teletubbies hid their eyes with their hands and began to count to 100.  
  
The guards paused and looked at him in confusion.  
  
“No play?” Tinky-Winky said sadly.  
  
“No! We need them back here in order to complete the sacrifice. I…”  
  
He sighed when he finally managed to get up.  
  
“Never mind. I have another idea. Tinky-Winky, go to the guard house by the arena. Go there and….RELEASE NOO-NOO!”  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
He and Rose quickly ran away from the arena.  
  
“That was a brilliant distraction on your part, Tyler,” he said proudly as she quickly put her clothes back on. “I never would have been able to escape if you hadn’t thought that up.”  
  
“Well, I figured if they have the minds of toddlers, then they need to be diverted when you don’t want them to do something. I learned that babysitting my cousins.”  
  
“I’m proud of ya!”  
  
“Yup, I guess there is something to be said for the domestic life, eh?”  
  
“Um…no, I wouldn’t go that far actually,” the Doctor said making a face.  
  
He looked back at the arena and saw Tinky-Winky running towards a hill house near the arena.  
  
“But no time to argue the pros and cons of domesticity now. Let’s haul ass back to the TARDIS and get off this planet before baby Beelzebub up there gets our hearts on a stick!”  
  
They sped off running between the hill houses as fast as their legs would take them. Rose glanced up and saw Gerber was following along in the sky watching them with an evil smile on his face. She and the Doctor glanced at each other and ran faster. When they cleared the last hill house, the Doctor began kicking bunnies out of their way. Both he and Rose panted and puffed and strained ever muscle in their body in an attempt to get to the TARDIS. Finally, they ran out of breath and paused on the top of one of the hills gasping for air. The Doctor glanced up and smiled when he saw they only had four more hills left to go before they reached the TARDIS.  
  
“Doctor!”  
  
The Doctor felt Rose grab his arm. He looked at her and saw she was pointing back behind them. He turned and frowned when he noticed an odd contraption staring at them two hills away. The thing had a blue barrel-shaped body, googly eyes and a long black hose on the front of it.  
  
“What is that?” Rose asked the Doctor.  
  
Their eyes widened when the creature raised the hose into the air and trumpeted angrily like an elephant.  
  
“Trouble! That’s what it is!” the Doctor cried as the contraption sped down the hill towards them. “Run, Rose!”  
  
He grabbed her hand and ran down the hill while Noo-Noo gave chase. They gasped and panted and dodged flying bunnies as Noo-Noo sucked up the rabbits with its hose and expelled them. They ran up one hill, than another straining with all their might to reach the safety of the TARDIS just two hills away. Suddenly, Rose let out a scream. The Doctor turned just in time to see Noo-Noo sucking her leg up into its hose and pulling her backwards.  
  
“Doctor!” Rose screamed while she tried to grab grass, rocks, bunnies; anything that would stop the creature pulling her away from the Doctor.  
  
“Oh no you don’t, you demonic hunk o’ junk! No one drags my Rose through bunny shite and lives to tell about it!” the Doctor said grabbing his sonic screwdriver.  
  
He ran after Noo-Noo and aimed the sonic screwdriver at its front. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, to the Doctor's relief, Noo-Noo began to smoke and sputter and it finally broke down and with a whine became still. Rose let out a breath as the Doctor bent down and pulled her leg free from the hose.  
  
“You okay?” He asked her as he helped her to stand.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
She turned and kicked Noo-Noo hard. She smiled when the thing tipped over and hit the ground with a bang.  
  
“That felt good,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor looked up and noticed Gerber was coming down close to the planet. He gave a demonic laugh when his blue eyes turned red.  
  
“Um…I think we better get back to the TARDIS now before we get barbecued,” the Doctor said.  
  
Rose looked at Gerber. She grabbed the Doctor’s hand and they sprinted towards the TARDIS while Gerber followed them scorching the planet and barbecuing bunnies in its wake. Rose felt like her lungs were about to burst as she and the Doctor ran for their lives. Just when she thought she couldn’t take another step, they reached the front door of the TARDIS. The Doctor quickly opened it, grabbed Rose’s hand and pulled her inside. As Gerber neared the TARDIS, the door shut and a few seconds later the TARDIS dematerialized and left the planet while Gerber cried and threw a tantrum in frustration. He hovered above the flaming ground for a moment crying and wailing. Then suddenly he ceased crying and smiled when he thought of the Teletubbies. Wondering what they were up to now, Gerber forgot all about the Doctor and Rose as he sailed back up into the air in search of them.  
  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	9. Teaspoon :: The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets. by cheri

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**The Doctor's Guide to Bizarre and Unusual Planets.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=35956) \- [22](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=15333&chapid=35956)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=9) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=15333&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9

  
  
Interlude…  
  
(The Doctor is sitting in front of the captain’s chair staring at the camera with wide eyes. Rose is lying on the chair half asleep.)  
  
DOCTOR: YOU SEE!  
  
(Rose gasps and jerks awake)  
  
DOCTOR: Once again, I was right about something! See, I knew the moment I laid eyes on that group of chubby, multi-colored hell spawn that something was wrong. But, of course, Rose wouldn’t listen, as usual.  
  
(He switches to a high-pitched voice.)  
  
DOCTOR: Oh, don’t be silly, Doctor. These Teletubbies are just so cute and cuddly. They couldn’t possibly be a bunch of bloodthirsty murderers who love to tie people down and sacrifice them to a giant baby head. Quit talking crazy!  
  
(He switches back to his normal voice.)  
  
DOCTOR: She’s always telling me I’m imagining things. It’s all in my head. I’m overreacting. And then when we end up tied to a spit over a roaring fire in some Rassilon forsaken corner of the universe at the mercy of some tribe of cannibalistic fish-headed transvestites who want to eat our livers and use our blood in some weird, perverted sexual ritual that only occurs once every thousand years or so, that’s when she apologizes for ever doubting me!  
  
ROSE: Doctor, give it a rest.  
  
DOCTOR: No, I will not give it a rest. I’m tired of you doubting me all the time!  
  
ROSE: When that Teletubbie came and got us for the feast, I don’t recall you putting up any protest then! You just marched right into the arena, plopped your skinny arse right down on the blanket and ate that custard without a second thought.  
  
DOCTOR: I questioned the custard if you remember. I asked Chief Tub-Tub what was in it.  
  
ROSE: Yeah and then you went ahead and ate it anyway, so it’s as much your fault as it is mine that we got tied to those tables!  
  
DOCTOR: Anyway…  
  
ROSE: You know I’m right, that’s why you’re changing the subject now!  
  
DOCTOR: Anyway!  
  
ROSE: You are so exasperating sometimes, you know that, Doctor? You act worse than a little child and---  
  
DOCTOR: ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
(He takes his hands away from his ears and quits drowning Rose out with his childish scream and listens for any more caustic words pouring out of her smart mouth. When Rose doesn’t say anything, he clears his throat and continues.)  
  
DOCTOR: Anyway, on to our next weird adventure. Now, imagine a world where speech is unknown and the inhabitants must read each other’s words like a comic book. Such a place is Parabelcio, the silent planet. So keep quiet and listen while I tell the strange tale of the world without sound….  
  


1\. Prologue2. Chapter 13. Chapter 24. Interlude5. Chapter 36. Chapter 47. Chapter 58. Chapter 69. Interlude 210. Chapter 711. Chapter 812. Chapter 9  
  
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